


All The Single Dwarves

by PalindromeIsntOne



Category: Snow White - All Media Types, The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, M/M, More cracked than an earthquake, so much crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-17
Updated: 2014-12-17
Packaged: 2018-03-01 23:35:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2791808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PalindromeIsntOne/pseuds/PalindromeIsntOne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'If you like it then you gotta put a ring on it. But Sauron liked only himself because he was obviously the fairest in the land so he had the mother of all rings made for himself.'<br/>Mix The Hobbit, Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, and a healthy dose of Beyonce. A quick summary of the Hobbit, as it totally happened.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All The Single Dwarves

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Azareel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azareel/gifts).



> So my friend just watched The Battle of the Five Armies and was very upset by it and we decided the best option was denial and pretending it was Snow White just with more dwarves and more gay and everything ends happily ever after and what do you mean they don't get married. And then I actually started writing it. And this happened.

So here’s the short version.

If you like it then you gotta put a ring on it. But Sauron liked only himself because he was obviously the fairest in the land so he had the mother of all rings made for himself.

But then, one day, Sauron looked himself in the giant glowing fire eye and realised that he was not, in fact, the fairest in the land. That right now belonged to the precious Golem. This made him sad though, and he didn't want to give up the ring even though Golem was a precious fish child. However, through the power of Beyoncé and shit, the ring slipped away from him and found its way to the true owner.

Golem knew from the day he saw his reflection in a lake that he liked it and he wanted to put a ring on it. And when the ring found him, he did. But unfortunately he became so enamoured with the ring that he started to neglect his own appearance. Thus the precious fish child turned into a fugly frog child and the ring, once more, was drawn away towards the fairest in the land.

Bilbo was not the fairest in the land. He was pretty rocking, but he was one maid cosplay away from jaw-droppingly gorgeous, and as all the maid outfits in the Shire had been confiscated by Gandalf for personal reasons, Bilbo never really got to own the ring. But the ring was playing a long game, and was actually just using him to get to someone else. Plus Bilbo was a pretty smooth talker and the ring kinda liked that in an eating-own-brand-chocolate-spread-before-you-get-Nutella sort of way.

However, far away, Sauron misunderstood the ring's intent. He thought the ring had chosen Bilbo, and he thought that the ring must've stopped putting love on top and was settling for less. Hence he sent out his huntsman to capture the not-quite-fair-enough maiden and recapture the ring. His huntsman was a motherfucking dragon, so he figured it'd be a pretty easy job.

Unfortunately, dragons can get indiscriminately distracted by gold shiny things. This caused a great deal of fuss and what was a sweet dream for the dragon was a beautiful nightmare for all the dwarves destroyed in the process, which sucked balls.

Anyway, sometime after all this the glorious Gandalf appeared at Bilbo’s door and let a load of party beards on short legs in without Bilbo’s consent before insisting that their fabulous singing was Beyoncé-worthy and they should totes blast it from the mountaintops whilst also reclaiming their homeland from that motherfucking dragon.

Thus they went on an adventure (Bilbo very reluctantly) and the most majestic beard of them all didn’t really think Bilbo had the moves for most of it but then at the last moment Bilbo used Mad Dancing Skills which was Very Effective and then Majestic Beard finally saw Bilbo’s halo of goodness and realised that the hobbit was everything he needed and more.

Well now we’re getting to the good bit, ladies and gents. Bilbo met the motherfucking dragon (to which Sauron, who watches everything because he has no life and spends most of his time on Orc.net streaming live births, went ‘ _finally_ ’) and the great huntsman-dragon Smaug nearly got Bilbo’s rocking body lightly golden brown in a toast kind of way, but then he saw the value of own brand chocolate spread and the maid outfit potential and gave Bilbo the Arkenstone instead. Smaug realised if he were a boy rather than a dragon there might be something there between them but alas for inter-species relationships this didn’t come to be and Bilbo walked free.

The Evil Queen Sauron got real pissed about this as you can imagine, and so disguising himself as a harmless elf he pretended to come to their aid by offering fresh apples to the Pretty Beard and the Rhyming Beard as well as the Majestic Beard. But the apples, whilst having a wicked flavour on the tongue also gave them haunted lungs and took their breath away, and they fell into a deep sleep that they could only be woken from by true love’s kiss, or the kiss of a creepy stalker who goes for that sort of thing.

And here’s the honest-to-god true ending, listeners. See it wasn’t hard to tell who was crazy in love for Majestic Beard so Bilbo made the hell out with that fine piece of facial grooming and Majestic Beard woke right up. And then Gandalf turned up after finally having convinced himself to leave his maid outfit closet and told Bilbo that whilst he could totes put a ring on that guy Gandalf also knew why Bilbo couldn’t put _that_ ring on it, and that was okay because Bilbo was still hella-nice, and then Gandalf kissed Pretty Beard and Rhyming Beard (because he kinda goes in for that sort of thing) and they woke up too. By this point Gandalf had long since been fellow-shipping the hell out of the lot of them so he got them all a cottage in the country and then married Majestic Beard to Bilbo and because Majestic Beard was Super Majestic they became king and queen and lived happily ever after.

And Sauron was okay in the end, too, because the ring did finally find its way to the fairest in the land and Sauron had to agree that the final wearer was truly the prettiest damsel he had ever seen. He decided to remove the harsher badassery part from the ring so as not to damage the new owner’s delicate fingers.

The owner? Legolas, of course.


End file.
